Overworked & Exhausted New Mom Tips: A Reflection from a New Mom to Dads

I came across a particularly poignant post on the subreddit r/NewParents titled: To new dads from a new mom.

This post falls into a bucket I would call Overworked & Exhausted New Mom Tips. In the post, she discusses the absolute basics that a dad should be doing to help alleviate a new mom. Everything from just paying attention to one I keep seeing over and over again: Stop. Asking. What. To. Do.

In the post below, I will cover the 5 points she outlines so we, as new dads, can understand the frustrations that other new moms have gone through, and we can learn and be better fathers/partners/parents. It shouldn’t be a huge ask to do the things she outlines and to make sure you are always communicating with your partner. The point here isn’t to shame this dad and his actions, but to see where our flaws are and learn from them. Also, it’s worth noting that communication in any relationship is the key to being happy, healthy, and well-balanced. Below is the post almost verbatim, so we can understand the frustrations.

New Mom Tips - This Is What I Need From My Husband:

1. Pay Attention

Pay attention to routines and cues to things that I do with our baby in our spare time. I know I am the “primary caregiver” and that you default to me a lot of the time, but this is your child too, and you need to learn how to be a parent for the first time just like I do.

2. Stop Asking What You Can Do

Stop asking me what you can do for us or how to help. Just jump in and do something. If the dishes need doing, do them. If I'm doing the dishes and the baby starts crying, PICK. THEM. UP. It's just another thing that I have to think about when you're asking me to give you a task to do. I need you to just take the lead and do something that needs to be done.

3. Play With Them

Play with them. The baby is still very young and he can't do a lot, but spending time on the floor with him is the most important thing you can do right now. Not be on your phone. Not watch TV. Their least favorite thing is to just sit on the couch with you. Make a funny face, wave your arms in the air, jingle a toy in their face. Just be present.

4. Please Stop Telling Me I Need to Add You to My List of Priorities

Please stop telling me I need to add you to my list of priorities. I am trying. The only thing higher than you is our baby, then it's housework, then it's me. I'm seriously trying to juggle a whole new lifestyle as well as my hormones.

5. When You Give Me “Me Time,” I Don’t Always Want to Go Somewhere

When you give me "me time," I don’t always want to go somewhere. Sometimes I need you to take the baby and go somewhere. Sometimes the thing I want most is to just be alone in my home with peace and quiet.

Edited to Add (ETA): This post was a rant and was not directed at every single new dad. It was just something I needed my husband to know, and I thought maybe other dads who are scrolling this might like to know too, if their partner isn't speaking up. I've talked to my husband about this and we've discussed all points made in this post. He is not a bad dad and he is not an immature partner, he is just uninformed and he needed some help. There are several dads on here taking what I'm saying personally, as if I'm saying you're a bad dad and you need to do this. If this touches you so deeply, maybe you need to reevaluate things.

Takeaway

Things like this should be motivating. I can see myself falling behind on some of these, and it’s painful to think that this could be written by my partner. Societal norms put some bad habits in place, which get inherited by the mom/woman, and we have the power to shift that dynamic to have a household labor distribution that is equal. Look up Invisible Labor.

I think some of these are obvious enough that we should be implementing them now (where applicable) and when the baby arrives. If you are pre-baby, start implementing some of these now so they become a habit. If you are fresh with a newborn, jot these down and jump in. Your partner will 100% appreciate it, and your relationship will be better because of it.

What Are Some Things Dads Can Do Before the Baby Comes?

Don’t ask her what you should do—here is a list of things you can get moving on so she doesn’t have to tell you. Let her know what tasks you are starting on and keep communication open, so you don’t bug her about something she absolutely abhors.

• Book the OBGYN

• Find a birthing class

• Help your partner physically. Your partner is in a different physical state than before. Pick things up or do things that they can no longer do with the baby they are carrying

• Create the registry and start adding things to it

• Help plan the baby shower

• Help plan out the baby room

• Help plan out and purchase those day one items

• Book the pediatrician

• Do the dishes

• Do the laundry

• so much more…

What Are Some Things Dads Can Do To Help With the Newborn?

• Pay Attention: Listen and learn about newborn care. Your partner has done it, so you should be equally armed to step in when needed.

• Do the Damn Thing: Aside from birthing and breastfeeding the baby, you should be able to handle the tasks your partner is. Don’t wait to ask—just do it. Dishes. Laundry. Diaper changes. Swaddling. Burping. Bottle feeding. Consoling. Changing.

• Play With Your Baby: Hopefully, this one is obvious, but I know work and other stresses may take you away from being in the moment. Get off your phone. Stop playing that game and be goofy with your baby. Be present.

• Say The Nice Thing: Remember that your partner has just gone through some major trauma giving birth. Hormones are wild. Her physical and emotional state are not what they were pre-baby. You are not the center of the universe right now. Prioritize mom now so you can heal and get back to some sense of normal.

• Me Time: Give your partner alone time and communicate about what her needs are. Don’t assume she wants to go to Target alone. Don’t assume she wants to sit at home alone. Talk with her and see what kind of emotional needs she has and help.